Thursday 10 October 06:09 PM
i took this photo last december in an airbnb in portland. at that time i was still living in houston, in the last year of my masters program, and i had no idea what i wanted with my life. perhaps i could move to new york. maybe do something not music-related. maybe prepare for doctorate auditions, despite the fact that continuing with school was the last thing I wanted.
over winter break i decided to take a trip to portland, my first time there; even though the weather was gray and dripping rain and daylight disappeared at 4 pm, i fell in love with the city. i longed to move here after graduation, but i was afraid. afraid of scrounging enough freelance/food blog work to support myself (and my pile of student loans), afraid of disappointing people— my parents, my professor— afraid of changing the life plans i had determined for myself as a freshman and feverishly clung to like a rusty anchor. but i decided to take a chance.
now that i’ve been here for five months i’d like to say life is wonderful and grand, and it really is (i adore this city and my daily routine and the people I’ve met), but i am still unsure. where will i be one year from now? three years from now? heck, even six months from now? i am always thinking forward, future-oriented, full of ambitious plans (typical #enneagram type 3 right?) but simultaneously anxious, questioning whether i am actually capable of any of it.
imposter syndrome strikes me at indiscriminate moments, like when i wake up in the morning and the day lies ahead and i feel a wave of sudden, irrational panic. life is weird; everything is changing and always will be changing. but the constants i have are my faith in God and the support of people who’ve walked with me through my hard times and me theirs, all our mini life crises and seasons of assurance and also doubt. i am NOT self-sufficient, and that is okay. all i need to do— all any of us really can do— is to continue to trust, and to be diligent, and to be open to discomfort. and to be grateful.
speaking of change, i have a lot to announce soon!! but i just wanted to share this first, because it's what's on my mind today. hope you have a great thursday ❤️